She really can be a sweetheart.... when it's not time to clean up.
I need advice.It has to do with parenting and discipline and all that fun stuff. We are having SUCH a hard time getting Abby to clean up her toys. Of course, this is a constant battle that starts as soon as kids begin playing with toys, but lately Abby has been especially resistant when we ask her to clean up. She'll ignore us, or she'll maybe clean up one thing and then get back to playing. I beg her, I threaten to take toys away (and I do), I yell, and I even threaten to throw toys away (which, I did do once, and that seemed to work but I think that that was a little too harsh. And don't worry, it was a lame McDonald's toy, not something nice or a gift). Most of the time she just ignores my requests, or just flat out says, "No."
The reality is, if I continually threaten to take away the toys on the floor for a few days, and if I do take them, eventually (soon) all her toys will be taken away and she will have nothing to play with for a few days. And then what will she do all day? She has arts/crafts, but she is very bad about cleaning those up too so I'm sure eventually those would be confiscated. And then what is she supposed to do all day? I can't just let Ellie play with toys and make Abby sit on the couch all day and watch her.
I am at a loss. Sometimes it works if I threaten to take away watching her favorite show that day, or if I take away snack time, but other times, once I have actually said, "Okay, no Kipper", she STILL won't clean up. And then what? Keep taking away privileges one by one?
Sometimes she screams and cries that she wants me to help her clean up. So, I will get the little toy box and put it in the middle of the room, and I will start helping her, but she'll just watch me. So I'll stop, then she'll cry that I'm not helping, and it's just a bad cycle. And in the end, I usually just end up cleaning them all up because I'm tired of having a messy house and a whining child. (And, yes I realize that when I do that, I am only perpetuating the bad habits we have formed here. That's why I need help!).
So.... all you moms out there who've had three-year-olds, please chime in.... this means you, Emma/Abbie/Brittany/Lauren/Rachelle/Mary/Michelle/Aleasha/mom/grandma... and anyone else who I've forgotten to name, or who secretly reads my blog (you can be anonymous if you want). And no pressure, of course. You certainly don't need to comment unless you want to.
Thanks everyone!
7 comments:
WARNING: Long comment!
I am interested to see what your wise friends say because this has been a definite challenge (and continues to be as Clara is going on 6) for us. I do several things. (1) She knows she can't eat breakfast in the morning until her morning routine is done, which includes getting dressed, putting away toys, making bed, prayers, etc.--all with frequent reminders and help as needed from me. Breakfast is helpful for us because Clara wants to eat in the morning. If she still refuses to clean up, I tell her that by the time I come in, if she hasn't put away x and y, then I will take them away because if she doesn't care about her toys to put them away so they don't get broken and lost, then she doesn't need them. And I take them and put them on a shelf for a week or so. But if she doesn't want to clean up badly enough, then I figure she must not really want those toys anyway. And she can find something else to play with--fewer toys is definitely not a bad thing. I've also found it helpful to have two times a day (or so) to clean up so it's not a constant nagging experience for her. I've done a million "games" where I pretend to be a pirate and we have to pick up the "ship" or some variation on that theme. She needs lots of encouragement. I don't think I'm telling you anything you don't already know but am simply letting you know that you're not alone! I'm sure you're doing wonderfully. I am just working on being consistent-- I try really hard not picking up her stuff for her, even going so far as to walk over them, but it is HARD to let it go. Counting to 3 is also very effective for us. Anyway, just some thoughts! I love reading all your updates and cute pics, Hannah!
The throwing away of the toys has always worked for me because my girls are so emotionally attached to their toys. Not a good thing I'm sure.
Sometimes we play "shoe-maker and the elves" --there's a cute childrens book you can get from the library to explain the game.
Have you tried taking away the carebear?
You could always let Garrett give it to her with the belt.
First off, I do not have a 3 year old, so take my advice with a grain of salt. These are some things I picked up while teaching school, so I know they can work for older kids, but not sure with little ones.
I have found that rewards (aka bribing) usually motivated the kids better than threatening or punishments.
Over the top praise when they do what they are supposed to do worked well too.
Also, you may want to try giving her choices of how to clean up so she feels empowered because she is making the choice. ("would you like to pick up all your toys before you brush your teeth or would you like to pick up half now and half after you brush?" or "would you like to clean up your bedroom or the family room?" or "would you like me to time how fast you can pick up the toys or would you like me to hide in the other room and you can surprise me when I come out by having all the toys picked up?")
Like I said, I've never tried it with little kids, but these kind of things worked in the classroom.
SO hard!!! I feel your pain!
Sav is going through the same stage. She swears she needs "help" when cleaning up though we all know she is perfectly capable. Kyle seems to have this great system down when it's evening and rooms have to be clean and the house has to be picked up of all the toys. Each not picked up item is a "bad point" and if they have 3 bad points, then they don't get something.... I honestly don't even know what he bribes them with. Dessert? A story? He always does it in such a fun and energetic slash competitive way that the kids get up running and do it. I don't seem to have that same effect on my kids. :)
The key for me though has been found in a great book called "Scream Free Parenting." Basically it says that you HAVE to let you children make choices. Those choices have consequences. And then stick to those consequences consistently, and don't let their choices make you go bonkers. The only thing you CAN control, is your reaction to their behavior. I think the book would suggest something like:
Tell her "I will give you 6 minutes to pick up all of your toys. If you don't pick up your toys then {insert appropriate consequence like a toy gets taken away for a week, or a show can't be watched that day}."
And then go about your business. Don't keep reminding her and begging her and pleading with her. You can give her a 3 minute and 1 minute warning, but, keep your voice even and calm and let her make her choice. Then if she doesn't, she doesn't. And then make her live with the consequence stick to that consequence, and move on with your day without rehashing your anger that she didn't do what you ask. You leave with your feelings of your daughter still in tact, and her learning you mean what you say.
The thing about some consequences, is you try and make it so extreme, keep "upping" the stakes to speak, and at some point screaming, so that out of fear your child picks up the toys-- but in all reality you haven't taught them anything, except how to lose their cool. And before long, you'll see them respond in like to you when you do something they don't like. And usually that happens in public or when visiting guests--- at the most embarrassing moment possible.
While I can't stand a mess, either, I don't know what it would say about messes in common areas that I personally need clean in order to keep my sanity. Because I'd fall into the same thing--- picking up myself. And perhaps that can be part of the consequence so she doesn't feel like she won.... something like "You have 6 minutes to pick up the toys. After minutes, mom is going to pick them up. And any toy mom has to put away, you can't play with for a week." I vaguely recall my mom using a tactic on us with a pillow case. It had a big face drawn on it...it was a monster of some sort... Whatever toys didn't get picked up by us, the monster "ate" it and in it went into the pillow case and we really couldn't play with it for a several days. So in essence, the toy's got picked up for my mom's sake, but for consequences sake, they were actually "eaten by a monster" and we couldn't play with them.
I really like that idea...and I had totally forgotten about it. I think I'll try it on Sav tomorrow! Thanks for helping me recall that!
I guess the key is, don't let her behavior dictate yours.{SO much easier said than done!} You just have to let her make her choices, enforce the consequence, and then move on with your day and not feel like a failure if she chooses "wrong."
Now I better go practice what I preach!!
In any case, I highly recommend the book. In fact, I need to read it again. It's one of those that was full of "aha" moments for me personally. And the "scream" part in the title isn't necessarily referring to verbal screaming, but the negative way we react to our children when they choose the way we don't want them to.
okay, I've filled up enough space for now. I've learned a lot reading the comments. Thanks for bringing this up! It's always good for me to remember what I should be doing and how I "should" deal with this same situation. Good luck!!
i have tried so many things and they work for a while and then I have to find something new.... I took every toy away twice so far during her little life and it worked both times for a long while afterwards. I didn't leave anything behind, she had nothing in her room and no craft stuff since she wouldn't clean that up either. Then after a week of no toys (it was a long week, she bugged me to no end) I started giving them back a few at a time and when she proved that she could clean those up I gave her more until she had them all back. She would clean really good for a bout 3 months after I did that.
We also did the timer thing. I would set the timer in her room for 6 to 10 minutes and tell her that if she cleaned for those minutes that I would come and help her with the rest. I usually told her what i expected to see cleaned when I got back. Annabella wanted help so this was a compromise that I could live with.
With Annabella I know that the reason that she is so bad at cleaning it up is that she lets it get so bad that she gets overwhelmed with the mess and doesn't know where to start. We have this constant battle at our house too... I have actually made Annabella stay in her room for 4 days and only come out for meals and the potty. She finally cleaned it... it just took four days (she's never done that again).
Post again to tell us any tricks you pick up as like I said I still battle this and yes we are forming bad habits because of it....
Like I told you before, Chris is the kind of kid that will do anything I ask him to do, with a smile on his face, no less! Marian on the other hand is already saying no to every single thing I ask her to do. I agree with giving rewards for doing what you asked her to do- but then again, she needs to take care of her responsibilities and part of that is cleaning up her own toys. Chris has a "extras" chore chart- once it's full of stickers he can pick a special treat. Obviously he has chores that are just a given, too that don't get treats (making bed, etc.) We also set timers for picking up- say 2 or 3 minutes and I'll usually jump in and help for the last 30 seconds. It's fun and we always end up laughing! So you set a timer, and each time she has everything cleaned up before it goes off, she gets a sticker on her chart. Once it's full maybe she could have a trip to McDonalds, or rent a special movie, etc. Other times (like with Marian) only taking away a beloved toy or a time out works. Good luck and don't beat my beautiful neice!
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