Day 35 - A letter to an ex

Dear ex,

I don't even know if you really qualify as an "ex" because we never were an official couple, I don't think.  I liked you before I turned 16 so we were never really "dating", and then by the time I did turn 16 things had changed between us so we never became a couple, really.  Still friends, but not a couple.

I thought I was going to marry you. For years, I always kind of assumed (and hoped and prayed) that we would end up together.  Even when I was dating other people, or when I was single, in the back of my mind I always just kind of assumed we'd get together again someday.  You were the first guy I ever loved and I guess I just assumed that it would last forever.  Sure, there were other guys I dated, even seriously, but you were always the One I would end up with.

The first time you broke my heart -- in high school -- was devastating.  My first heartbreak!  But eventually we came around and became friends again.  We could hang out without my heart feeling crushed, and I could breathe without feeling like there was a huge weight on my chest.  Of course, I still liked you but it wasn't painful anymore.

When you left on your mission I breathed a huge sigh of relief.  You would be busy for the next two years (and not thinking about girls, whew!), and I could just focus on my life and not us, which I'd been obsessing about for so long.  It was nice.  Of course I missed you, but I knew that you were doing what you were supposed to be doing, and life was good.

Fast forward a couple years later: you decided to transfer to BYU.  Of course, this was my dream come true and I knew that we would get together again!  I was so excited. We studied together, hung out with my roommates together, went to sporting events, went grocery shopping.  It was so much fun and I loved spending time with you - it was (almost) everything I'd ever wanted.  Our official "relationship status" was still up in the air, though, and it was hurting and confusing me.  I was tired of always wondering how you really felt about me.  So finally, in October, I decided to just make a move.  I remember telling myself, "Ok, this is it.  I'm going to take one last shot and if I am rejected, I'm done.  I just can't go on like this anymore!"

So, I did just that.  And, you rejected it.  I was so embarrassed -- I'm embarrassed right now just thinking about it.  I went into my apartment and cried in my room for about 2 hours straight (that is exhausting, by the way!), then I found my roommate Lexi and cried some more to her.  That was the second time you broke my heart.  After that, I didn't see too much of you but that was what I needed to get over you.  I really missed our friendship but it was too painful for me.  It was especially hard because it seemed like every other song on the radio was one that reminded me of you (that still seems to be a trend, btw).

Last month I was reading my journal from that time, and something really stuck out to me.  I wrote, "Even though this is really hard, I feel like it's the right thing."  I don't remember writing that, and I certainly don't remember feeling like that.  It took me a really long time to get over you - it was hard to stop thinking about something that I had been thinking about for the last 5 or 6 years! Thinking about you was a habit!  And it was hard to erase all those dreams of getting married and having kids and growing old with you.

I still have all your letters; for a long time I just didn't know what to do with them, especially since I was married, but throwing them away just seemed wrong.  That was such a happy time in my life and in my youth and I cherish all the memories.  They are part of me.  You are part of me, because you make up such a huge portion of my past.  Thanks for all the memories -- the painful ones included, because they made me the person I am today.

Hannah

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Up tomorrow: Some hobbies